


Broken {Beyond Repair}

by regulusrules



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Actual Torture Too, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Lily Evans Potter, Blood and Violence, Death Eaters, Destructive misunderstandings, First War with Voldemort, Gen, Good Peter Pettigrew, Grief/Mourning, James Potter is a Good Friend, Kinda, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Proceed with caution, Protective Remus Lupin, Psychological Torture, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Dies, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Deserves Better, Sirius Black-centric, So many trigger warnings below, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:20:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25788739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regulusrules/pseuds/regulusrules
Summary: “I won’t kill you, Black, even though with a single flick I can wipe you away from the entire universe and 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞, 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘵... But you deserve to live within the pain you had put Regulus in.”•|∆❝ 𝑰𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝑺𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒖𝒔 𝑩𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒔 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓'𝒔 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒃𝒆𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒆𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓. ❞
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 5
Kudos: 92





	1. BROKEN

Living a normal peaceful life was one of the things that Sirius Black had absolutely no idea about. Some would say it is a blessing to always have some action going on in your life, but in his case, it turned out to be a curse.

From a very young age Sirius had this rebellious vein that could probably destroy anything normal, and as he grew up, so did his will to step out of imaginary lines increased. Sometimes it was just for the sake of proving his stubbornness to the world, but most of the times he did have a point in rebelling.

When Sirius was taught to be a pureblooded maniac, he rebelled. When his family had told him to make them proud by following their steps and being a part of the Slytherin House, he rebelled. Even when life itself slammed its doors in his face he rebelled without a single sign of remorse.

But for the very first time in his entire life Sirius regretted every single rebellious act he had ever committed, and wished more than anything to return back in time and change his entire course of history.

It was night when it had happened. A dark and rainy night that insinuated despondency and despair, as if his entire world had suddenly been filled with the soulless Dementors he had always feared and despised. As usual, Sirius was out on one of the lethal missions, those in which he rushed headfirst to with no care about whether he will return back alive from them or not, whereas when it came to the Order, Sirius Black was a very vigilant and responsible person, unlike his preferred carefree self.

Willingly he had always volunteered in the suicidal missions, always eager to step into life-wrecking dangers. It was something admired from the Order but frowned upon by his closest friends, because even though they appreciated his nobility and his will to save lives, they hated how reckless and nearly careless he seemed about his own.

But none of them knew how it was all a mean for blocking out the darkness inside him for as long as possible.

Sirius had feared many things in his adolescent life; some of which had already occurred and broke a part of him, and some worst case scenarios he wished to _die_ rather having to witness. Yet, one of the things that gave him day and nightmares was the idea of him succumbing to the darkness he knew was buried inside him somewhere, veiled from the light and waiting for the perfect opportunity to come out and ruin everything he had spent his entire life building. It was tormenting to imagine that darkness controlling and leading him to the most terrible acts, for he knew he won’t be able to fight back his own Devil then.

And that was why Sirius was always adamant to help, because he knew that he cannot let his goodness slip away from his fingers or else the consequences will be severe on everyone.

But barely even anyone ever knew that.

The mission was to barge inside an abandoned mansion to search for some of the Order members that had gone missing. It was planned that five of them would go and infiltrate the place, for they weren’t too sure about the accuracy of the information, and in the end hope as usual that they all return back in one piece.

Of course, everything did not go as planned.

It turned out they had went to a snake’s cave that the Death Eaters cunningly bluffed with, as if awaiting the arrival of some people in the Order so they would finish them off. The Order members were of course outnumbered, but were yet able to get most of the Death Eaters down after countless hours of duelling, leaving them all tired and battered from the excessive amount of magic performance.

And yet with all the wounds and scars Sirius had received that night, nothing could have been more painful than the bombshell of news he did not foresee, disguised in just a simple sentence and rushing towards him, teasing him of its existence and ready to end him once and for all. He was leaning against a wall, taking his breath and about to continue his duelling night when suddenly a masked Death Eater who by his figure seemed young and out of place rushed towards him, only uttering a single question.

“Eager to meet your brother in hell, Black?”

And that solely was all what was needed to entirely stun Sirius, both mentally and physically.

Although exteriorly it had always appeared that Sirius was a very tough and emotionally unfazed person, yet he became so far from it at that particular second. He just gazed at the masked Death Eater in front of him, feeling his hateful voice even if it was unclear, and not did he even bother to act back when that Death Eater silently disarmed him, for his whole body started feeling like it.

“So sad, aren’t you?” taunted the mysterious follower, mockery and utter disbelief loitering so vividly in his young voice. “Be glad he received the Dark Lord’s mercy and only died,” he continued, walking closer to Sirius and getting a hold of his clothes while nearing his masked face to Sirius’s and slowly whispering, “Be glad he didn’t receive the torture loyal followers get for cold feet, you perfect model of a loving _brother_.”

And with that said, the Death Eater suddenly apparated the both of them so far away on what seemed to be an eeringly quiet forest, not a second loosening his tight hold on Sirius nor letting down his mask either.

It all wasn’t making sense to Sirius. Not a single thing could he comprehend nor even think of accepting. Everything became distorted and blurry– from the information he was receiving to his eyesight and the rest of his senses. He couldn’t pinpoint a certain feeling to what he felt going on inside him, but something in the back of his mind was certain that it began to feel like he wasn’t even alive to be able to perceive anything anymore. It seemed that this was the end of his road; defenceless against a Death Eater that was telling him horrific news he had no idea whether they were true or not.

And Sirius hoped, from the deepest part of his heart there was, that what he was listening to was fake, was even just a mean to destroying him. Still, everything about that unknown, full of hatred Death Eater spoke of sounded truthful, as if he, too, was grieving himself.

And his life literally just no longer mattered.

“ _Crucio_.” the Death Eater suddenly cursed, and Sirius didn’t even whimper as if that inflicted pain was nothing compared to the agony that already started consuming him.

“You’re the reason he’s dead, Black,” he spitefully said, solidifying that what he was saying was causing him pain, too. “You’re the reason everything went _fucking downhill_ for him. If you had just stayed put in that twisted family **nothing** would have happened to him. But no,” he maliciously continued, raising his voice and inflicting even more pain on Sirius until he was on the ground because of it, lying on all fours and bending his neck down so the tears of shame that started pouring down his face wouldn’t be seen. “You just had to go and fucking _rebel_ and leave him _alone_ to deal with all the shit you’ve caused!

“He was my friend, Black,” the Death Eater then muttered in a deadly slow speed while releasing the Cruciatus Curse so Sirius could properly hear every syllable he wanted to say. “He was my friend and not a single day had I seen him smile a genuine, unforced smile ever since you left because of all the terror that never allowed any happiness to permeate his life. Not a single hour had he seemed like the person he was when I first met him and not even a single _minute_ had I not noticed the paranoia he abruptly started suffering from, all because of _one fucking almighty brother_ that should have _acted like one_ before his only brother would _die_ at eighteen without a body to even _find_ and _fucking honour_! You just have _no idea_ what you had done to his life.”

“And you know what?” the mysterious Death Eater once again vocalised after a short lapse of silence, his voice full of even more resentment and animosity. “I won’t kill you, Black, even though with a single flick I can wipe you away from the entire universe and 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞, 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘵... But you deserve to live within the pain you had put Regulus in.”

And as if Sirius was a piece of dirt, Bartemius Crouch Junior kicked him away roughly with all the hatred that had been filling him towards Sirius Black for leading his only friend to death, and left him in his stunned form to mourn over the damage he had caused.

And how ironic that years later when Sirius had seen Barty behind the bars of Azkaban whilst him entering it, all what Sirius saw in him was how young and misguided he seemed, undeserving of such place and how it pained him when he saw Regulus’s youth flickering in him for a moment, never guessing that he was the one that shattered his soul.

•|∆

The Death Eater had vanished, and yet Sirius wasn’t completely alone, for some other torturous companions had arrived to complete what the mystical guy had started and break him even more.

Memories.

His problem with memories wasn’t that they existed, but it was the fact that he was so adamant to hide them away in one secluded block inside his mind so he would be saved from their torment. It was funny how some people regard memories as something precious to be sought at the time of agony to relieve one’s pain, whereas in the meantime, it had the completely opposite reaction on Sirius.

Because all they did was remind him of how terrible of a brother he was.

And they all just came _racing_ towards him, leaving him with cracked sobs and pleads for them to stop.

_“You’re my brother, Regulus!”_

_“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT BEFORE YOU LEFT!”_

“No, please, no...” he croaked, his entire body blenching and quailing, not knowing how to deal with the immensity of this emotional pain.

_“What about the freedom that will cause others pain? Is that one valid to you too?”_

Even breathing began to become a challenge for Sirius at that point, and his gasps of air were all filled with sobs and cracked repeated words to the void. “It’s not, it’s not. I swear it is not.” he kept saying, as if Regulus was in front of him, voicing out his accusatorial cold question just like the first time he had uttered those words.

“ _You left me alone, Sirius. And yet you didn’t care..._ _”_

“Regulus—” he kept on repeating; a mantra of the name he would never directly address. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Regulus.” he let out, the tears falling rapidly on his cheeks, the ache physically hurting him.

“ _Your remorse would never be able to heal the hole you had already carved inside_ _me._ _”_

And with this memory showing up, all his sobbing had suddenly ceased.

“What have I done,” he asked himself in a very low whisper, not believing how he could have abandoned the one that had always stood beside him when they were young and loved him no matter what. How could he have been so selfish, so blind to see that Regulus was too young and shouldn’t have been left alone with fascists like his parents to boss around his life? What would have affected him if he even _begged_ his brother to come with him more than once? His dignity would have been smeared?

He can very well certify now that there wasn’t a single trace of self-respect inside him after what his actions had caused.

And it made him start sobbing again, even harder this time, and his body flamed with every tear as if someone had thrown him in an endless abyss of fire, and dejectedly, all he could do was yell to the sky the same question he had foolishly asked himself a few moments ago, aching for any kind of reply back.

“WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE!”

And if that all wasn’t enough, a panic attack had also arrived and fed on his soul, sucking it out and throwing it inside a whole wide world consisting of solely anxiety and distress. His entire body was drenched with cold sweat and all he could do was shiver back and forth. It wasn’t a new feeling to him, at all in fact, for he was used to it when he was still a little boy, but living for a long period of time without experiencing it seriously made it ways worse.

And it really was astounding how a person, who fights on nearly daily basis, could have hidden such anguish and distress for so long to the point of it all exploding and him breaking down entirely.

He fought on nearly daily basis, but could not fight his own hellish thoughts.

It was all so weird for him, all baffling and exhausting to accept because Sirius never allowed his emotions to control him the way they were doing now.

And he no longer had any fucking idea as to how to fight back.

Sirius never _even_ admitted out loud to Regulus that his sole existence had a major role in Sirius’s life, taking part of shaping him the way he was because he was his _brother_ , flesh and blood and _everything_. Losing him now wasn’t just like losing a limb or an organ but far more dreadful, for it felt like he lost altogether the identity of who he was and his soul just felt foreign to his body.

And he didn’t know what to do, or what should he feel from the contradiction of feelings inside of him, as in one second he felt scarred and scared and angry and pained and riled and drained and tortured and maimed and just so damning _ashamed_.

And it was all in vain.

“ _You’re the reason he’s_ _dead”_ the Death Eater had told him, and not a single brain cell or nerve of his was able to contradict such a statement because Sirius _knew_ he was to be blamed about whatever happened to his younger brother. He had left Regulus alone, afraid from rebelling, which ultimately led to this shattering point. He had no idea how to live with such guilt and terror because in the midst of it all, Sirius failed to notice how he, too, was young and fragile. He didn’t understand that he wasn’t responsible for every decision others made, no matter how dreadful they turned out to be. He just couldn’t get that it wasn’t always his _**fault**_ _._

The notion of just ending all the aching pain he had been feeling had crossed his mind even if he knew it wasn’t the right solution, but it sure as hell would stop the flaming fire inside him from further scorching his burnt heart, and yet he was too weak to face death deliberately. His soul kept shouting at him to seek some comfort, any kind of it, yet his mind kept repeating to him how unworthy of any kind of compassion or warmth he was.

 _You deserve to live within the pain you had put Regulus_ _in._

And that pain seemed infinite, as if trapped within a loop of an unstoppable force trying to phase through an unbreakable shield. He just wanted it to stop, for everything to be ceased because it was _too much_ for him to take even with all the strength he had, but it seemed that all the masks he had worn throughout the years, shielding him from breaking down, had crumbled and fallen apart in a way where they can never be fixed again, and now the whole wide world would start noticing how _broken_ Sirius Black actually was.

Sirius didn’t even know what was paining him more; the fact that his only brother was dead or the fact that he had let him down and abandoned him when he needed him the most.

How stupid was he to not notice the signs when he last met him? How thick and dull could he have been not to see the desperate veiled call for help Regulus had so subtly hidden? How fucking _idiotic_ of him to not force him away from that road even though Regulus basically _confessed_ to him what he had done! What kind of a brother was he to let his beloved brother down all these years without doing anything to save him alongside of him? How could he just accept what he had done and live with it...

Hours had passed until his tears had stopped, his body no longer cooperating with him to do anything as it was physically drained from the torture he had received earlier too. He started to get up, falling thrice before he was actually able to hold himself, and he spiritlessly looked around for his forgotten wand somewhere unscathed.

As if life was saving him some grace, he found his wand thrown beside him. He didn’t even care that the apparition he was about to go through might splinch him half when he was barely able to stand, as nothing seemed to matter to him anymore.

Another small mercy, for without getting hurt furthermore, Sirius was able to arrive in front of the house of the most accepting soul who might help deflate the excruciating pain he had been feeling, even if he knew he should no longer associate himself with him because all he did was lead his brothers to their deaths. Still deep in thought whether he even had the energy to turn around and leave, he didn’t notice his newlywed sister opening her door and freezing from the tortured and horrific state of him at the crack of dawn.

“Sirius?” Lily Potter slowly whispered, reaching forward to hold him but recoiling when she saw him unintentionally flinching from her touch for some unknown reason.

“Dead,” Sirius said monotonously, as if indirectly describing his own current state. “He’s dead, Lily.”

And he could no longer take it and fainted.


	2. BEYOND REPAIR

Actions.

The real protagonists of all lives.

The hidden hands, playing within the universe and shaping the beings inside it however way they want. The reasons why there is nothing concrete, nor foreseen, and why nothing should ever be taken for granted.

‘Actions speak louder than words,’ mortals had said before, never noticing that these Actions _created_ said words, that it wasn’t just a matter of sonority.

These Actions were to be feared, but most human beings never really gave them any of their apt attention. They exploited them as if they were some insignificant necessity to be used everyday and disregarded within a pile of life-trash. Yet, truth is they are indeed a necessity; something unavoidable to live with because otherwise their enemy, Idleness, would take control, and that wasn’t really preferable to them or to any zeal full of passion.

Still, Actions have always been underestimated, overshadowed and overlooked. It pissed them so much, how people could be this ignorant of their existence, not noticing how badly they keep on misusing them or how frequently they are taken for granted.

Hence why Actions started hanging out with a very lovely friend named Consequence, so that she could take over whenever they were so sick of humans using them unwisely. Consequence is special enough to slip itself inside any scene without taking the permission of its director, to the extent of ruining an entire play for just one wrong move, if it wills.

Which is maybe why Consequence is more feared than Actions, and why some started reacting lethargically towards them only so they won’t piss her off.

Yet those people remain unsaved, because they always forget who lie behind the veils, doing whatever they want whenever they want. The terrible siblings of Actions that have no restraints at all, playing every day mildly until they decide against so. The ones humans have no say or control over, and can ultimately save an entire being, or destroy it with just a flick of thought.

The Subconscious Actions.

And that was the case with Sirius Black’s subconscious, deciding to wake him up at a time when he really needed to be deceased. A decision for his current situation regrettably unavoidable, no matter how much his soul called for release.

Sirius woke up to silence. Silence, accompanied by a mixture of utter warmness and solid coldness. He was used to waking up on silence, but that new feeling, that new mixture indulged within normalcy wasn’t relieving at all.

It felt like a warning. For what, his brain hadn’t quite processed, but it knew that some quick action should be taken as soon as that moment of derealisation ends.

And boy, was his brain correct.

Faster than he had thought himself capable at that moment he sat up and looked around him, observing every single detail of the walls he had helped on recolouring. The house was the source of the warmness; inviting as usual with the householders’ faint aroma. But his brain was quick to notice the other component of the polar combination; the coldness, filling every shallow depression within his bones, morphed as loneliness and seeping from the colourful walls, as if it belonged to the ghosts that suddenly decided to inhibit the place.

And there was no trace of warmth left then despite its evident display on his own body, simply just vanquished by the dominant frigidness.

But Sirius wasn’t afraid of this coldness. He didn’t listen to these ghosts taunting him of his current loneliness, nor did he notice the walls circling him like a prey until his bones were even more crushed. He didn’t even allow himself to breathe in the air that could have potentially suffocated him.

He simply did nothing, with later on regretting not being consumed with all these heart aching feelings, for it would have been better than living like a droid, devoid from all emotions.

He simply did nothing, only took even more notice of his surroundings. The silence deluded him into thinking it was peaceful, but he felt conflicted because his heart and brain weren’t feeling that peace. It was the kind of silence able to quieten up anything going on inside of him, but he didn’t know whether he liked that kind of deafening silence or not.

Sirius simply did nothing because it felt like he couldn’t do anything worthwhile anymore, even though he wanted to do something to at least assure himself that he was really still alive, even if it was just shouting and screaming in the void for not finding the one he had sought when he needed him despite vaguely feeling his beloved’s presence on every wound he had acquired.

_Idleness had won the first round of the day._

And it made him wish he could rip his own heart out because the ache inside of it was too much on his soul’s most fragile layer, all for the absence of just one person who would have helped him like no one else would be able to now, and it made him feel even more lifeless and numb, because for the first time in his whole life, Sirius knew that he actually _needed_ his presence to feel better.

All this nothingness suddenly evolved into vivid realisations, into true living applications of what should have happened long ago.

James should have left _way_ too long ago.

Because that’s what Sirius deserved, wasn’t it? He deserved that coldblooded atmosphere. He deserved being taunted by the maddening ghosts. He deserved that despicable feeling of loneliness and nothingness.

Because he had led his own blood to a similar situation.

And the manacles binding his own soul decided to refrain him from seeking out any help again. His soul understood the truth and stopped any further discussions between his mind and heart over whether his perspective was truly right or just another falsity alike his entire life. His soul made him grateful for James Potter’s evanescence, and that in a minute he would be so far away from Sirius, beyond his harm and beyond his reach.

Because Sirius was a life-destructing monster, and monsters deserve to be troglodytes.

That alone was enough for him to throw himself inside hell itself without complaining.

He got up, this time slightly easier than the last time he remembered. He closed his eyes, allowing these traumatising scenes to control his vision. _Maybe all of it was just a dream,_ his childish side thought in retort. _Maybe, when I open my eyes once again everything will be back to what I remember._

But when he did open his eyes, the encompassing silence greeted him as if it were his own brother, and proof of the flashbacks existed on his scarred body, leaving no place for denial anymore– no place to think it was just a hurtful illusion, and all his mind could think of was that he needed to find that one person he denied his existence for too long. That one person who was floating in an unknown universe without any guidance or company.

That one person he once cradled to his beating heart and now has none.

•|∆

Universal facts are probably the only comforting statements to any deceptive mind, only when they make sure that these facts are indeed legitimate. Just knowing that they need not overthink something alike everything else in their doubtful lives is simply relieving.

And a universal fact to anyone that has ever met Lily Potter could be told, and no one will ever try to deny it, because everyone knew that it was the basic truth.

Lily Potter née Evans was an awfully hard person to break.

And thank the universe for making this one of its warrantable facts, because anyone else seeing their best friend’s maimed and nearly dead body falling on them would have probably fell alongside if light-hearted.

That particular night Lily got no sleep, for knowing that her husband was out in the wild looking for lost members of the Order wasn’t something so comforting to sleep on, and all she could do then was to stay at home, helplessly waiting for any news as the clock kept ticking, watching the imaginary angles it was doing. All, of course, due a professionally overprotective idiot who thought it would be unwise for all of them to leave for one single mission.

And even though that wasn’t an excuse powerful enough to hold her down, but Lily didn’t fight James back then. Because Lily wasn’t stupid, and she saw how both of them were trying to keep the other safe at any cost. It meant a lot to her, how protective they were of each other and how they both knew when is an appropriate time to argue about some small insignificant details, and when to just not.

So, she retreated back in case someone needed her medical aid when they returned. Besides, it was just an infiltration mission, nothing to worry about.

Right?

Joke’s on her.

That was simply the life of the Marauders; going to a mission and returning from another, always cheering each other to go on and seek danger for the sake of goodness. Yet no goodness ever came from ignorance.

Ignorance of their own lives as well as the lives of their beloved ones, even if subconsciously these lives were everyone’s motive to keep going and keep fighting in that cursed war. They never thought what they might lose one day during this mist of ignorance, nor how helplessness for finding the lost would ever steer their wheels.

But the mind is too limited to what it sees and experiences only, never able to assume the actual layout of the future, which makes the universal Actions even more to be dreaded and feared. And to see the strongest one of them, the so-called Untouchable this pained and destroyed, was able to let Lily see how stupid they all had been, and how forgetful they were of their foremost basic importance.

Survival.

It made Lily Potter appreciate every breath she was taking and even every fragile quiet one she was feeling from her best friend’s unconscious body. Because time, she then realised, was very precious. Very strange and mysterious as well; never wanting anyone to know how long it will be staying so it can see how people will react towards it and whether they will appreciate every second of it or just take it for granted.

This mighty time allowed the Potter couple to be married for a week before it was done being unnoticed by them, and hence decided to grace them with that very fateful day. Any hopes for a few peaceful days for themselves after their wedding were gone with the wind when just the day following it some members from the Order went missing. And being the typical selfless James and Lily, they chose to stay with the Order rather than seeking a week or two away without any troubles chasing them.

And a very good thing they did that, because hell never stopped breaking loose.

Not a second after Sirius had fainted did Lily pick him up, settling them down on the threshold and trying to regain him any of his consciousness. His blood was rapidly seeping out from the torn textiles wrapped around him, and just the sight of him was simply torturous.

When he did not respond to her gut-wrenching slaps and calls, all she could do was put his arms around her shoulders and pull him up with her. Anyone passing by would have said that she looked at ease while doing so, but the trauma inside of her was growing stronger every second because it was as if he had indeed dropped dead on her. Still, she did her ultimate best to try and not panic and only focus on helping him.

Quickly after laying Sirius on the nearest couch there was, she grabbed her wand and started healing him, her heart breaking each passing second from how severe his wounds were and how broken he looked only a few moments ago. Just the way he lifelessly spoke was able to convey her the message of how shattered he truly felt, both inside and out, and she felt nearly cruel and barbaric for trying to wake him up, because he’d have to deal with all the veiled pain then.

And she just wished she was able to do _anything_ to take that agony she saw away from his eyes, even if it cost her to live in it instead. It was so unusual for Lily to see him in such a state, for Sirius was always the rock that gave everyone the support and strength they needed when they were hurting and pained. Leave it for Sirius Black to always find a solution for their problems and miraculously also be able to give them all the emotional support they needed until they become blissfully unaware of the prodding problems there were mere seconds before.

So she really had no idea what to do, or how to ease the pain he must have been feeling before reaching out to her, because anything she might say or do wouldn’t level half of what he could say to someone in need of comfort.

Even after Lily had finished healing him and with all his wounds doctored, he still looked the farthest from normal she had ever seen. His body was so pale, so yellow from the blood drain and so blue from the obvious pain that seemed to be haunting him even in his sleep. And all Lily could do then was wonder whose death could possibly make him this tormented, traumatised and torn.

And a connection was suddenly made.

And she felt as if her entire life had fallen apart as well.

•|∆

None of the people present ever thought their night would turn out the way it did. Maybe it was because of the unprecedented way life was starting to show them that the good isn’t always invincible, or how terribly unprepared and rash they were. Still it all lead to the same time and place they were in; back at the Order’s headquarters divulging yet another plan to find the AWOL Sirius Black– even after having have searched for him everywhere possible.

It was a really harsh night; harsh and frightening for the five who had joined that mission. It was nearly two in the morning when they all had arrived in the headquarters, drained and exhausted from what they had to face all night and ready to dive within the nearest couch and zone off.

All but one.

The possibility of Sirius Black just returning back home was excluded the moment someone voiced it out loud —even though they ended up assigning an Auror to stay there in case he shows up nevertheless— for it was a rule for all the members of the Order to return back to the headquarter once they are safe to notify the others, and they knew that Sirius, despite his love of rule-breaking, never messes with such rules.

And it particularly freaked James Potter out, not being able to find his chosen brother, for it was beyond dawn already and they still hadn’t found him. Just the mere idea of something terrible happening to Sirius was torturing James, and not even seeing Sirius in the middle of the battle was even worse, because Sirius Black never disappeared when needed.

Kingsley Shacklebolt, one of the newly trained Order members that was caught up in a situation he wasn’t yet ready for, was trying to calm James down, failing miserably every time he gave a suggestion of a scenario. “You just need to calm down, James.” he quietly voiced at last. “We’re all doing everything we can to find him.”

“THEN WE’RE NOT DOING ENOUGH!” James yelled, sick of all the niceties and bright motivation everyone _still_ seemed to be sharing even after countless hours of his best friend’s disappearance.

And the whole room had quietened.

It was just so hard on James knowing how strategic Sirius of a person was, how Sirius **himself** of a person was, because he knew how Sirius would normally come up with _anything_ if he was in distress to inform them of his place. It was so discomforting to live unto some false positivity when all he was convinced of was that this was beyond anything negative he had ever gone through.

Because his disappearance only led to one train of thought, each compartment even worse than the one preceding it.

By this young age, James had regretfully already gotten used to death– having felt so many pulseless bodies and even having seen the final ray of Earth’s light penetrating some eyes. Yet, disappearance... He just wasn’t used to it, to a point that after countless hours of looking for Sirius he just wanted to find him no matter what state he will be in, and no matter what the outcome of their search will be.

For the alternative scenarios invading his mind were just _too much_ , and what made it worse was that he could not deny any of them.

Could not fight the nightmares his own brain was creating.

Feeling guilty after a few seconds that he had lashed out on the people that were only trying to help, he held his face in his hands and sighed, pushing away the mutated images his brain was conjuring and this time muttering mildly the same words he had said. “We’re not doing enough. I’m sorry everyone, but this optimism you all have isn’t affecting me as well. Sirius is not just a normal fighter, he’s one of the absolute best and his strategies are all superb. So, forgive me if I’m not sharing with you the hope of finding him or even finding him unscathed.”

“We understand, Potter,” spoke the gruff voice of the silent Alastor Moody. “But keep on losing your temper and we’ll achieve nothing. Get up now and go to your house, sleep an hour or two, then we’ll send a patronus with our location. And don’t even think of arguing, because you know what stressed nerves lead to.”

And the younger man — albeit unwillingly — nodded, knowing that there was indeed nothing he could really do in his current state but wallow. His head wasn’t functioning anymore, and he wanted nothing more than a few calming words to assure him that there was really hope.

Hence, he apparted to his wife.

But the moment James had arrived outside their cottage, he physically felt the sudden slap life so violently graced upon him, as if he had failed in all sorts of universal tests and his punishment was to simply have to look at the sight in front of him whilst being able to do nothing to prevent the situation or even his own ache.

Blood.

He was greeted by blood, loads of it, scattered all across the threshold and the bright white snow, tainting what was an entrance to his safe haven. And his rapid speed inside was the only thing stopping him from breaking down beside the glutted crimson liquid right that second.

“Lily,” he barely uttered, feeling as if his life was slipping from his freezing fingers the longer the red remnants flashed in his mind. Losing his brother and now the love of his life? Wasn’t it enough that he was already tormenting himself for not being attentive enough during the battle to notice Sirius’s absence, but now life wanted to mess with him through his wife as well?

It was _too much_ on him.

Every room he had entered embraced James with its own deafening voices, all pseudo-created inside his brain and not as real as he ached for them to be. Every laugh and yell they had ever shared kept mocking James whenever he opened one of their doors to shout his lover’s name and hoping _beyond hope_ that she will reply back, but to no avail. He checked and rechecked a million times, wishing it was just his senses messing with him and that she will reappear from any side any second.

But Lily Potter didn’t reappear.

And James Potter felt his heart shred and tear.

For there was simply nothing worth living for anymore.

What was it that he was supposed to get from this wrenching day? The lesson life was trying so hard to carve inside him? Was it some kind of a moral? A siren call to remind him of what lies waiting down their lines? It was simply unbearable any longer, and all the strength he had acquired in his entire life span had decided to bail out on him at the time he really needed it, not allowing him to even step inside from the freezing climate since he had returned back to the place where he thought her blood lied and crumbled down beside it, wishing it was his instead.

 _Idleness had_ _skillfully_ _won the second round of the day._

But it gave him just one last breath to let out. “EVANS!” his voice utterly cracking, only the birds hearing it and flying away from such a distorting voice.

And he was left alone by the red crystals to mourn.

•|∆

“JAMES!” Lily’s voice cracked, aching for a reply back, _anything_ to confirm that she was utterly wrong. “JAMES!”

That crack in her angelic voice was heartbreaking. It was full of longing and fear of the terrible fate she seemed to believe in more and more every second she did not find her beloved in. The entire world seemed to be crumbling over her, brick by brick and stone by stone while she was powerless and caged to do anything for it to be saved. She wasn’t ready for such a moment nor did she ever give it any consideration, and she felt as if the life that they were barely starting was coming to a horrible and melancholic end.

And it was the ultimate cruelty her mind was ever able to think of.

Because Lily knew loss. She knew how it feels to lose the most important people in your life, starting from the loss of a best friend to the terrible loss of family. Loss was able to take away many great experiences Lily wouldn’t be able to go through except along their sides, and she desperately didn’t want to lose the most important person to her heart now, for she knew that his loss would ultimately _end her._

And she still wanted to hold on.

The newly named Potter was in the mansion she knew they were in yesterday, trying desperately to trick her mind into believing that he was there somehow, that him not being at the Order nor anyone being there is just normal. _Maybe he came back to pick up some trails, some evidence, some_ _**anything**_ _—_ all just so she wouldn’t admit to her extremist mind that she was there searching for his body.

But she didn’t find him, like she hadn’t in any of the absurd places she went. And there was one single shred of hope inside her left, willing to find him in her next destination, praying more than anything that she will, because she didn’t know what she would do if she didn’t.

It was a small flat where Lily had shared some of the most beautiful memories, and even though its owner was lying on her couch in a deathly state, she hoped that the world had flipped upside down and decided to switched their places or something equally absurd.

What she didn’t expect was to encounter one of the unsought Marauders sitting in the couch nearest to the door, looking distracted and in a world of his own.

“When did you last see James, Peter?” Lily questioned in urgency the moment her eyes fell upon her dear friend, not even allowing herself to ask why Peter was in Sirius’s apartment in the first place.

“Since a lot, Lily.” Peter frowned quizzically while getting up, “I only know he was in the mission yesterday from Kingsley.”

Once again without concentrating why Shacklebolt was even in the picture she ignorantly asked, “Did he mention anything concerning James?”

“No, he didn’t,” Peter softly told her. “Only mentioned that he was with them in the mission yesterday.”

“Was?” she muttered, the shred of hope torn even more with that.

“Lily,” Peter said slowly, getting closer to her and frowning from the tears that seemed to taint her beautiful face. “Why are you searching for James—”

But before Peter could even complete his sentence, dust from her apparition lunged into his chest. “—not Sirius.” he finished to himself, disoriented from his best friend’s acts after leaving her the note of Sirius’s absence.

Sighing, Peter Pettigrew just retreated back to the couch, awaiting as ordered in case his best friend finally shows up.

•|∆

Morning finally came upon Remus Lupin; a morning he awaited eagerly every single month. Admittedly, it was a theoretically wondrous thing for Remus how one person can drastically change within mere hours to a totally different person, a totally different creature in his case. And although it was such a restless thing to him, he always seemed to be grateful to see the morning lights after every transformation of his.

Getting up with his weakened bones, he crossed the dark cellar he was laying in, leaving the very small window trailing just a few streaks of sunlight. It wasn’t what most people would call a good morning, but Remus Lupin learned how to be grateful for every small thing he had in his life, even if it was tainted and shred apart alike his own self.

He could hear the soft humming of the owls he raised as soon as he got up from the cellar, finding that they returned back quite quickly from their trip yesterday. They were a very homey kind of owls, barely ever leaving only to hunt and basically bringing down weeks’ worth of it so they can rest and stay at home. But Remus always let them out on his lunar day every month, fearing he might somehow harm them while he was in his other form, even if he was always locked inside the cellar the entire time.

Petting the owls softly, Remus smiled at the ease he felt inside him that particular morning, blissfully unaware of the trauma that was about to appear from thin air.

A young woman looking as if she were in war apparated directly across him, her face as white as his snowy owl, her tears following each other in a rhythmic trail, and her hands and clothes were full of dried blood that were simply out of place.

And he caught her just before her legs gave out and sank on the ground.

“Oh my goodness. Lily,” his face paling as well, letting out the few words that came unto his baffled brain. “Lily, look at my eyes. What happened to you? Where are you hurt?”

“James,” she kept repeating, her tears unstoppable and her sobs unwavering, clinging onto Remus’s jumper with her trembling fingers as if the shred of hope her life was depending on resided only in that textile. “I haven’t found him, Remus. I HAVEN’T!”

“We’ll find him,” he said vaguely but firmly, even though he was unaware of the intensity of the promise he was giving or what she was even saying. “Just come with me, Lily. It’ll be okay, trust me.”

And the shattered flower got up with the help of the weakened wolf, his soft touch the only thing maintaining her whole balance. He sat her down on his couch, instantly crouching in front of her and trying with all his power to calm her down.

Remus was one of those who believed in the universal fact of Lily Potter’s strength, and seeing her this defeated and weak was a tremendously unhinging sight to him. Still and all, he tried as much as possible to be the pillar of strength this time for her without allowing his emotions to break down beside her as well.

“Remus, please,” he heard her suddenly saying, her red eyes letting him know the intensity of her will, her fingers digging so deeply in his flesh that it felt grounding not for her sake alone. “ _Help me, Remus._ I can’t find him. I searched for him everywhere, Moony, _everywhere,_ and every second that passes by makes me believe it even more. But it can’t be true, Remus, **_it_** ** _can’t_**.”

And her barely there voice broke again with even more heart-wrenching sobs, for hers and his as well. And the nerve wrecking silence dominated them afterwards, interrupted occasionally by the cries she was uttering and the hushed mutters of Remus telling her to try to calm down.

_Idleness could have won the third round of the day, but it clashed with the most universal facts._

For Lily Potter regained some of her might and began retelling Remus her story. “Mission. They were on a mission yesterday, looking for our lost members, and James.. we didn’t fight on who goes this one and he went and— and I stayed back but then he disappeared for hours I got so worried I was nearly about to move when Sirius showed up on my doorstep.”

“And he said they can’t find James?” Remus frowned, his heartbeats increasing second by second from the anxiousness.

“No, that would have been better!” she said frantically and Remus deadpanned for a moment, unable to think of a worse scenario. “Sirius is lying on our couch nearly dead himself now. I tried healing most of his wounds, they’re all so severe, Remus. He said...” and she gulped, tears filling up again in her eyes. “He said, ‘He’s dead, Lily’ and it isn’t you, and it’s not Pete, then who the hell would it be but James!”

Letting out a few broken sobs, Lily could only focus then on one thought and one alone. “I’m _dying_ , Remus. It’s _killing me_ that I can’t even find him. I’d drive headlong to my grave instead of this being true.”

And her tears rained over his scarred figure, and he tried to cling on her to prevent these news from giving him another scar if true.

Because Remus Lupin had no one in the world but his friends.

“Grave...” he suddenly muttered, a dull spark inhibiting his baffled mind. “Have you looked in—”

“Godric’s Hollow graveyard...” she completed with a hollow urge, hiding the fear of actually going there.

And they were on the move instantly.

•|∆

Instantaneous victory do enemies always feel when they win the round they were playing and become the ones in control. How delightful must it be really, to be the one with the power sometimes, even if the entire world seems to think it’s unsafe.

But does the world really have a point in whom they define as a hero and who a villain?

Idleness, the greatest nemesis of Actions, took complete control of James Potter the moment he collapsed down in front his threshold, delightfully enjoying every second he denied Actions’ existence in. It was not every day it could dominate the life of the sole Potter heir, and how proud it was to _finally_ do so, for he never left any door for it to enter, allowing its terrible enemy, Actions, to be the hero of his life instead, and even for Consequence to come inside whenever it wants.

But boy did Idleness know how to fully consume James in every passing minute it reigned his life in; a mean of punishment for resenting it all this time. It led him to a state where the extreme coldness of the air got his body numb, and was behind the terrible heart ache he was experiencing, too.

Scratch heart ache; it was conscious heart vivisection that made him unconscious to anything beyond his pain. No reasoning, no logic.

No wolf screaming his name in delightful agony after helplessly walking his shattered wife back to the cottage from the silent graveyard.

But it all disappeared when his numb bones were crushed by the only warmness that could have saved him then, and the life Idleness was slipping away so slowly started returning back to him fully. “Why,” his red headed love kept sobbing in his distorted figure. “Why...”

James, who was in shock and brain freeze after staying so long in that awful climate, could barely register what was happening around him anymore, and had to look so intensely at his wife to actually be convinced that he was not hallucinating from his state.

“Lily...” he croaked, as if uttering her name for the first and possible last time.

“I thought I _lost_ you, James. I thought I really _did_.” she said madly, not even bothering to stop her tears or do anything else but inhale his aroma.

The sight of her, blood on her hands, sweat and tears on her face, stripped from her mighty glow and the wariness too obvious on her, were all factors able to make James believe it was all real– no climatic side effects involved, and he clung onto this version of reality by removing his frozen hands from the glutted blood he had been touching, and embraced her so tight that there was no air left for them to even breathe.

“I— I thought I... lost you, too.” he quietly spoke, his heart speaking instead of his vocal cords, his tears beginning to flood once again.

It was this one simple embrace that was all what was needed to heal them fully. Yes it did convey ache and fragility, was too overwhelming and full of uncertainty, but it was enough, and it was the only thing that could have allowed them any semblance of momentary tranquillity.

“Blood,” James then slowly said, looking at her angel eyes with his once again serene ones and displaying his bewilderment. “Your blood... Isn’t this your blood?”

“Sirius,” she muttered slowly, afraid of causing him anymore pain, “It is Sirius’s.”

“Sirius?” James said, suddenly freaking out, the rush of his first trauma of the day rebounding back in his face. “He was here?”

“He’s inside,” Lily frowned and was about to freak out as well. “Isn’t he inside?”

“Oh Merlin, oh Merlin,” he kept on repeating, disentangling from their embrace and getting up to pace around the square they were in like a madman holding his head and just a step away from pulling his hair out.

“What is it, James?”

“He was here? All this time he was _here_?”

“Where has he gone, he shouldn’t be moving in his state!” she said frantically as she entered inside the cottage and found it empty.

“Calm down the both of you,” Remus spoke softly for the first time in the whole reuniting moments, almost making them forget his existence. “Lily, weren’t you saying that Sirius is very injured and thus should not be able to move?”

“Yes, he— he showed up on our doorstep a few hours ago,” she said, her eyes watering as she remembered his fragile state. “He was all bloodied and broken I have never seen him like that before.”

Looking back to James, Lily could only say the next few words while gaining the strength from his eyes. “He said someone died,” and taking a deep hard breath she continued, “He said someone died and I— I thought it was you...”

And that look concluded just how much Lily considered James as her only knight in shining armour; a true living application to what a life anchor is. “You’re not allowed to die before me, James Potter.” Lily ended up voicing at last, speaking from the deepest part of her, and it was the deepest part of James that entirely received that message.

And James could only look at her with the pure and raw love he had for her, because there was nothing to be said in their twisted situation anymore.

But the third wheeled wolf had something left to say, albeit so regretfully for ruining their small peaceful moments. “Why.. were you so shocked that Sirius was here, James?”

Shamefully, James looked at his best friend, and bent his head down thereupon because he was letting down yet another one of his close people. “Because we searched everywhere for him, _everywhere_ , Remus, and now Lily’s saying that he was in the most obvious place that we had already looked in.”

“Wait a second,” Lily frowned deeply, “No one came yesterday but Sirius. I wasn’t even informed that he was missing.”

“What?” James asked, confusion written all over his face. “Peter was assigned to come and look for him here. How come you haven’t seen him? He reported back that Sirius wasn’t here.”

“I have no idea.” Lily replied, seeking out Remus’s troubled eyes until she remembered a crucial detail. “He might have come before the whole debacle when I was upstairs. The wards do not inform us of his presence so maybe that’s why I didn’t feel him.”

“Oh, Wormtail, I will—” James began to rage slowly but was cut off and diverted by Lily.

“Why were you searching for Sirius in the first place? Wasn’t he with you in the mission?”

“We were ambushed by the Death Eaters,” he muttered quietly, taking a needed breath to calm down his senses and be fair and just in this situation. It was not, after all, Peter’s problem that Sirius hadn’t had yet arrived when he had checked. His keenness to return back and look for Sirius elsewhere might have been the reason why his mind skipped a crucial detail like informing Lily.

He sighed once more and began retelling his side of the story, eager now to let it all out and be done with it. “No one saw it coming. We were all dueling and none of us even had the time to blink. I saw Sirius in the beginning of the night, but we got separated in the middle of it all and I saw no more of him. I didn’t think I had to keep an eye on him, you know, with Sirius and how incredible of a dueler he is. Yet, when we all arrived back to Headquarters, I had expected him to be there already, since Kingsley was the last one to arrive and he hadn’t seen Sirius anywhere there. And you know the rules, Lily...” he said, drawing out her name with a faraway look.

“James—”

“I searched for him everywhere, Lily.” he interrupted, a tear falling from his eye no matter how much he tried to stay strong. “I thought I lost him for sure. I even went to Grimmauld Place and stayed outside in hopes he would have gone out of his mind and went there or something and that he would just magically reappear, but he didn’t. He didn’t show up anywhere we’d gone.

“I should have looked out for him like how he always does for me. I just let his back down and look what it has done.” he finished, breathing out a shaky breath whilst bending his head down again from the engulfing shame.

“What’s the matter with you Marauders with guilting yourselves for anything terrible?” Lily softly asked incredulously and the two present ones looked at her. She moved closer to James, resting her head over his and enveloping him in another warm embrace. “None of what had happened is your fault, James. It is whoever did this fault’s. So, if you keep on beating yourself for it you won’t really be doing any good. Quite the contrary, you’ll just increase Sirius’s pain, for you know how much it affects him when he thinks he’s the reason behind anyone’s sadness."

“But if I had been there I—”

“You may have caused more harm than good,” she said, looking deeply into his melancholic hazel eyes, trying to let her message phase through all the doubtful layers until it would completely sink in. “We still don’t know who did this, or how many actually. Had you been there you might’ve saved him, yes, but you could’ve died as well and Sirius would’ve had to live with that guilt forever. And that’s definitely not what you would want, right?”

“If trading death for not seeing him in pain is the deal then I would gladly take it.” he mumbled quietly.

“And you think you’d be saving him this way?” Remus questioned implausibly while getting closer to the two who considered him family. He softly held James’s shoulder in an assuring manner while hugging the two figures that were clutched together in front of him in a gentle, bearish hug. “On the contrary, James, you’d actually be condemning him into a hellish life. Can you even imagine Sirius living his life without you? He’d be practically dead if not technically.

“Don’t let these emotions of guilt hide what is truly important.” Remus completed, disentangling from the hug he, too, had needed. “I’ll go inform the Order that Sirius is alive. Yet, until he returns back, you two need to rest a bit.”

And he smiled softly again to the both of them, delighted inwardly that they were all safe, and that despite this terrible chase around one another, they were at least together in the end, and it was all that really mattered.

Because it was a matter of moments that broke apart their family that day, leaving everyone in a dilemma of their own, pained over things that did not take place, which makes it even more baffling how one’s mind can ruin everything if not filled with faith.

Faith that Actions have worse to do than what people are already experiencing, and that they are actually just tasting their testing sample, not their grandest concoction.

•|∆

His ears were fully listening, but he was deaf to anything that wasn’t voiced out from his brain. His eyes were observing everything, yet to anyone else he was downright considered blind. All his senses started working like they never did before, as if they were saying goodbye to each other– working for the last time ever in coordination, and oh how much did he really wish for them to stop, because he truly needed to get away from that world.

That cruel hollow world devoid of his only brother.

For nothing would ever release that burdensome pressure of responsibility of his brother’s death from his very heavy heart.

Because that’s the thing about siblings; they vow to themselves and to the whole wide world to protect their brothers as long as they were alive and breathing.

And he had drastically **failed**.

And it made him drastically _pained._

And he thought that he can never ever be _**repaired**_.

But would it ever somehow change?

**Author's Note:**

> Flashbacks could be found in:  
> • TORN  
> • OBLIGATION {DAMNATION}


End file.
